How to Cope With Loneliness

Nineteen years ago, on a morning in May, I sat alone at my kitchen table, surveying my sunny Brooklyn walk-up. 

As I looked around, I felt a sense of dread—thinking about spending the summer months ahead in that overheated box, sharing walls with neighbors I barely knew, in a city that no longer held the community I’d cultivated. 

Several people in my community had gotten married and moved away. Online dating, which was grueling and often left me feeling empty, was hardly a substitute for community. 

Thinking I was the only one feeling lonely in a city of millions created an added layer of ruminating thoughts. 

What’s wrong with me? I asked. I spiraled from a sense of shame to loneliness and corresponding depression. 

While contemplating  possible ways to address my lonely feelings, I recognized that a change of place and pace may help, thus prompting my move away from the concrete jungle that never sleeps to a simpler life surrounded by nature. 

When I announced my move  to the rural Hudson Valley in New York for the summer, friends and family raised their eyebrows in concern, as if saying, Aren’t you going to be lonely?

Moving upstate may have been a desperate move, but it wasn’t a rash one. I had spent enough time upstate to know that people were more friendly there, and that, while I’d be lonely there too, living in nature would allow me to counteract the crushing urban loneliness with a more peaceful solitude. It did, and I ended up moving there full time.

In addition to spending time hiking in the woods and making new connections, I got into therapy (again) and developed new insight and skills for how to counteract loneliness—like building the confidence to start interesting conversations with strangers. 

Back then, I had no idea I was part of a growing trend of loneliness that was expanding each year with the use of smartphones and social media. Or that some of my friends who were new mothers, or my Dominican neighbors, were possibly even lonelier than I was. 

In this article, we’ll explore what drives loneliness, the impact of loneliness on individuals and society at large, and how you can counteract it.

The loneliness epidemic

Throughout the pandemic, loneliness, which was already a cultural epidemic, skyrocketed to emergency levels. A 2021 Cigna survey reveals that more than half (58%) of adults experienced loneliness. And, according to a 2021 report from the Harvard Graduate School of Education, 61% of those lonely people are young adults (ages 18-25). What’s more, 51% are mothers with young children—who reported feeling “serious loneliness.” 

The same survey from Cigna indicated that rates of loneliness are higher among racially underrepresented and economically disadvantaged groups—75% of Hispanic and 68% of Black adults report being lonely, and nearly two-thirds of adults making less than $50,000 classify as lonely. 

I was surprised to also learn that young adults are twice as likely to be lonely than seniors, and that both men and women report having roughly the same amount of loneliness. 

What is driving all this loneliness? 

Cigna also reports that, in addition to economic hardship and racial disparity, mental illness and physical illness increase loneliness. 

In December 2021, the U.S. Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, MD, warned of a COVID-inspired youth mental health crisis, which parallels the surge in loneliness among youth. COVID has clearly exacerbated the systemic and prolonged epidemic of loneliness that was already brewing. During the pandemic, we saw how isolating it was for people when they were physically sick with COVID, as well as  for those who had to quarantine alone. 

According to Murthy, author of Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, loneliness may be a result of our different needs for connection that we are not aware of. For example, being married satisfies our need for intimate, one-on-one connection. However, we also have an innate need for supportive connections with friends, as well as a larger community that shares our interests and purpose. Therefore, being married isn’t enough to safeguard against loneliness, nor is having a wide friend circle. 

Then, there is the ubiquity of social media, which, despite its name, does not fulfill most “social” needs for connection. While it may be a great way to stay in touch for some people, it creates a vicious cycle for others—one that may provide fleeting social validation, that soon compounds feelings of isolation and emptiness. 

Studies have shown that the more time young adults spend on social media, the more they report symptoms of loneliness and depression. 

I was working as a therapist when many of my clients first started using social media, and I got an up-close view of the destructive cycle. Clients would report a feeling of emptiness that prompted them to log on, where they would interact and feel a part of a community, even getting the dopamine hit from likes. But then, they’d either get into a kerfuffle that could ruin their day, or simply log off and feel more empty than before they started. And then, the cycle repeats. 

Loneliness is hard to identify

Another reason why loneliness is mushrooming: It’s hard to name. Researcher Brene Brown, PhD, explained this in her podcast episode with the Surgeon General on loneliness and connection. 

When Brown stated, “I’ve had very few people identify loneliness as the experience or emotion that they’re feeling,” Murthy agreed, adding: “But then they go on to describe [loneliness]. . .‘I feel like I’m carrying this entire load all by myself. I feel like, if I disappear tomorrow, nobody would even care. I feel like I’m invisible.’” 

Perhaps loneliness is hard to identify because there is a deep stigma around it, especially when it is experienced in the company of other people, even people who love us. I know I’m not the only one who sometimes feels lonely when hanging out with my family—I love them dearly, but since we have different needs and values, long periods of contact with them can feel isolating. 

Relationships can also be lonely when we feel chronically “unseen” by those we are close to, or when there is a gap between the kind of attention we crave and the kind we are given. This kind of gap is exemplified in the classic complaints of female partners in heterosexual relationships, who feel their male partners don’t listen to them because they are so eager to fix their problems. 

Feelings of loneliness are further exacerbated by shame. People may feel responsible for their loneliness, or they may feel broken, socially inept, or incapable of making meaningful connections. As a result, loneliness often presents as other things: boredom, irritability, contempt, and addiction.

The impact of loneliness 

There is a reason why the worst punishment for prisoners is solitary confinement. Without contact with other sentient beings, mental health takes a nosedive, resulting in panic attacks, catatonia, hallucinations and paranoia, which can have long-term psychologically devastating effects. 

Even outside the extreme context of solitary confinement, loneliness has serious implications for physical health. According to the 2023 U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community, “lacking social connection can increase the risk for premature death as much as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.” 

The Advisory also cites studies that indicate  loneliness impacts all aspects of our physical and mental well-being. One such study found that loneliness was associated with a 29% increased risk of heart disease and a 32% increased risk of stroke. A meta-analysis of 32 studies found that depression, anxiety, self-harm, and psychosis were often linked to loneliness and isolation. 

Loneliness is also a major factor in cult susceptibility. When we feel we cannot relate to those around us, we become easy targets for potentially dangerous groups spouting a quick fix or self-betterment ideology. The vulnerability that loneliness creates to groupthink doesn’t just affect the person who’s lonely. 

When isolated, people such as incels—men named for being “involuntarily celibate” due to their inability to relate to women—are sucked into hate groups and compelled to take drastic measures to prove their allegiance or belonging to the group, which can result in tragedies like mass shootings. Loneliness can drive an already disaffected person to become a destructive force— negatively impacting society at large. 

Signs of loneliness

Because it can be hard to name and detect, here are some clear signs to help identify loneliness in clients, friends, family members, or ourselves: 

• Binging on food, computer games, social media, TV, or shopping
• Addictions to alcohol, drugs, or sex
• Work obsession
• Dry, flat affect 

Addressing loneliness

For someone not acquainted with the agony of loneliness, the cure to loneliness may appear simple: go out more, or make new friends. Although it may appear simple, curing loneliness is not easy. 

Here are five places to start:

1. Understand your brand of lonely 

Some people are shy. Others have crippling mental health issues such as obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). Others have been fed oppressive ideas that come with systemic marginalization. These traits can convince people they are better off alone. First, it’s important to become aware of our isolation and then the factors that influence it.

It’s also useful to identify which kind of loneliness we feel. For example, if you are married with a newborn, and don’t have any good friends that are in the same boat, finding the places where new mothers congregate—online, in parks, in mommy/baby groups—can help. 

2. Open up about it 

Opening up about our loneliness to our friends, family, and/or therapists or doctors can help reduce isolation and gain partnership in the search for the right cures. Sharing takes the shame and stigma out of loneliness, and will bring about more connection. 

It’s useful to remember that the older we get, the harder it can be to make friends. As we grow, due to college, work opportunities, and economic compatibility, we tend to move around and away from old family and friends. 

Reach out to old friends and try to rekindle more regular contact. For example, showing up on a regular basis for a group activity that we enjoy, that fits in our schedule, and is within our budget (e.g, volleyball, book clubs, or bird watching) can help new friendships develop naturally or can help reestablish connections with old friends.

4. Volunteer 

Volunteering, preferably in person, is a powerful antidote to loneliness. Serving at a soup kitchen, running for a cause, teaching inmates or foster kids—these are just a few examples of the endless ways we can impact society by donating our time and efforts. 

Being able to contribute to a cause connects us with other people who have similar values. Additionally, we experience joy in giving back to our communities or the world which can fill us with purpose. 

5. Practice healthy solitude 

It helps to learn the difference between loneliness and solitude, and then practice embracing the latter. 

Murthy defines solitude as a pleasant experience of being alone, in which we are grounded—allowing ourselves to settle down and ‘be’ as opposed to ‘do.’ 

Recommended ways to practice solitude include: 

• Walks in nature 
• Journaling 
• Artistic expression (painting, poetry, singing, etc.) 
• Yoga or another embodied practice 
• Meditation 
• Expressing gratitude 

A good support system, therapist, or spiritual community can help facilitate nurturing activities that transform loneliness into solitude.

Getting the right help

While prescription drugs such as SSRIs may help some people to cope with the symptoms of loneliness and aid with symptoms of depression, it’s essential to mention that loneliness cannot be fixed with a pill. Ultimately, the antidote to loneliness is connecting with other people and developing self-assuredness. 

A good therapist can offer a steady connection and thought partner, one that can help bolster self-esteem enough to make it possible to go out and meet new people. Through the relationship with a skilled therapist, clients can learn how to be in relationships with others and find peace in moments spent alone. 

It’s important for those experiencing loneliness to find the right therapist or behavioral health clinician—so that there is motivation to engage on a regular basis. 

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) are types of therapy that are useful in developing new habits, like helping shy people break out of their shells, go out more, and meet people. 

Furthermore, object-relations therapy and psychodynamic, or humanistic therapy, are more relational therapeutic modalities that explore relationship patterns to help build the skills necessary to create lasting bonds.  

Conclusion

For anyone  loneliness, creating more connections may not come easily or naturally, however, it’s essential to mental and physical health. 

By naming and bringing attention to loneliness, seeing how it manifests in your life and in the life of your clients, and utilizing some of the steps above to ameliorate it,  we can encourage and foster more connection to others—and possibly become crusaders in turning around this corrosive cultural epidemic of loneliness. 

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