Couples Therapy Questions for Better Understanding, Communication, and Connection

Wondering about what to talk about in couples therapy or searching for the best  couples therapy exercise questions? We’ve got you covered with a list of helpful couples therapy questions to get you started in session.

Couples therapy can be a transformative journey toward better understanding, communication, and connection between partners. 

That said, couples therapists and couples in therapy can, at times, reach a conversational impasse. 

Whether you’re a therapist looking to expand your toolbox, or you’re starting couples therapy yourself, it’s beneficial to consider how to make the most of your couples therapy sessions. 

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), I’ve worked with many couples over the years. Here are my takeaways, including the couples therapy exercises and couples therapy questions  that have been impactful in my practice.

Questions to ask a couples therapist (aka questions prospective clients might ask you) 

People who’ve tried to navigate difficult conversations with their partners and continue to get stuck should consider reaching out to a couples therapist for help. Most couples report that they wish they had started couples therapy sooner. 

Here are some questions clients can ask when seeking a couples therapist. And, if you’re a couples therapist, these are the same questions potential clients might ask you.

1. What is your approach or philosophy when it comes to couples therapy? This helps clients understand your perspective and assess if it aligns with their needs.
2. How long does it typically take for the couples you work with to start seeing results? It’s good for clients to have some sense of the process they’re signing up for.
3. What should we expect from the therapy process? Knowing what to expect can help clients prepare mentally and emotionally for the journey ahead.

The goal of therapy is not just solving problems, but also, importantly, fostering an environment of empathy, respect, and understanding. 

Therefore, openness and honesty is essential.

What to talk about in couples therapy, and what to avoid

One of the most important things that I talk to couples about during therapy is the idea that each person has a different perception, experience, and reality. These are central distinctions that can help frame sessions, conversations, and couples therapy exercise questions.

Avoid ‘right’ versus ‘wrong’

When it comes to relationships, there is no objective reality, and so “right” versus “wrong” thinking can be very damaging to relationships. 

At the start of couples therapy, I often hear each partner listing off all the things that the other partner is doing “wrong.” It is much more helpful to talk about what you want to be different in the relationship.

People develop their beliefs about what relationships “should” look like based on what they grew up with. 

For example, if a person grows up in a family where no one talks about emotions, they might take on a belief that emotions are a problem that need to be fixed. If they find themselves in a relationship with someone who is emotionally expressive, they might have a hard time with that and define it as a problem.

Their partner’s perception might be that they aren’t feeling accepted and understood for their normal, healthy emotions. 

It is very important to recognize that all of a person’s beliefs about how a relationship “should” work, come from things they learned in childhood—either from modeling their caregivers, or taking cues from social and cultural representations of relationships. 

If someone sees things differently, the best thing we can do is move into curiosity instead of judgment or criticism.

Focus on one person’s experience

Couples, or one member of the couple, who focuses on ascribing a “right” and “wrong” perspective can lead to a never ending cycle of shifting blame.

Instead of perpetuating circular questions in couples therapy, being able to give equal credence to both perspectives and focusing on understanding one person’s experience at a time can steer the session in the right direction. It is important to realize that there are things partner A wants, and things partner B wants, but that those are two separate conversations. 

At the start of every session, there’s an essential couples therapy question to ask: Whose experience are we focusing on in this conversation? 

How to direct your clients to engage in couples therapy 

After choosing whose perspective to focus on, clients should keep these three tips top-of-mind: 

1. Speak from “I” statements

It is beneficial for clients to speak from the first person when talking about their experience. We have examples in our “I” statements worksheets download.

Some examples include: “This is my memory of what happened,” “This is how I experienced it,” “This is how it felt for me,” “This is what I make up about that,” “This is what isn’t working for me,” or “This is what I want to be different.” 

2. Avoid judgment

It is very important to remind clients to do their best to avoid judgment or criticizing and blaming the other person. 

One person in the couple has every right to talk about their experience or what’s not working for them, but it’s important to make sure they are keeping their partner in the conversation. Clients should allow their partners to give them compassion, or even make requests about what they can do to help.

3. Try not to get defensive 

When clients feel ready and able to talk about their partner’s reality, it means that they are willing to set aside all of their hurt, anger, and expectations for themselves, and really focus on their partner’s experience without getting defensive, or trying to explain it away. 

Couples therapy questions to ask in therapy sessions

The following are some great couples therapy questions to explore, either as a therapist prompting a couple or as a client with your partner, during therapy:

1. What are three things I do that make you feel loved? This question encourages recognition of positive behavior, reinforcing what’s working in the relationship.
2. How can I better support you when you’re feeling upset or stressed? This promotes empathy and understanding, helping both partners navigate conflicts with more compassion.
3. What does a fulfilling relationship look like to you? Understanding each other’s vision can guide the journey toward a satisfying relationship.

It is important to remember, that as human beings, each of us have different operating instructions. 

We all feel loved in different ways. The things that work for one person might not work for another person. 

An example of this is when one person is talking about their problems and they just want to feel heard, seen, and understood. If their partner starts giving them advice about how to fix the problem, they may become frustrated. 

It is each of our responsibilities to say what we want and what works for us and to listen to what our partner wants and what works for them. 

It is helpful to be able to give each other feedback with the mindset that there is no right or wrong. 

It is also important that each partner gets a turn to express their reality. 

Couples therapy exercises for home

Once couples start learning how to ask better couples therapy questions, they can start practicing asking each other these types of questions at home. Here are some couples therapy exercise questions to provide as homework for clients.

1. What are some of our happiest memories together? Reflecting on happy memories can reignite the warmth and affection in your relationship.
2. How have we grown as a couple? This question can offer a perspective on your progress, inspiring further growth.
3. In what areas do you think we can improve? Honest conversation about areas of improvement can lead to constructive actions.
4. What is something special or exciting you’d like to do together? This could be an opening for your partner to discuss things they don’t usually talk about.
5. What can I help you with right now? This could be helpful to show you’re being present and supportive with your partner.

It’s great to get into the practice of having these types of conversations at home. 

Clients might consider setting aside time every week to ask each other questions, listen to each other, and say how they feel like things are going. 

It’s easy to let these things slide after being with someone for a long time, but it’s well worth taking the time to check in.

If you’re a couples therapist, be sure to let your potential clients know that they don’t have to have anything prepared going into couples therapy—just request they be open to the process, open to feedback, and willing to learn. 

You can use these questions to foster better communication skills between your couple clients— and provide them with tools that they can apply at home in their day-to-day lives. 

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