The Dos and Don’ts of Working with Ethically Non-Monogamous Clients

As a good clinician friend used to say, “If you think you’re not seeing people who are non-monogamous in your office, you’re wrong.”

And they’re probably right: a recent study estimates that 1 in 9 people in America have “engaged in polyamory at some point during their life.” 

If a full ten percent of people have tried out polyamory, imagine how many more have explored or experimented with non-monogamy. It’s a pretty sure thing some of them are sitting in your office.

How can clinicians be better prepared to serve this part of their client base? A good first step is understanding the context of non-monogamy, and what that might look like for different people. 

What is non-monogamy?

Non-monogamy has been part of the human experience of love and sex since the beginning of humans.

Folks who practice ethical non-monogamy (ENM) consciously choose to define themselves as ethical in response to the frequent practice of cheating or affairs non-monogamy can often refer to.

Those who choose ENM tend to value honesty and integrity, and aim to differentiate themselves from people who may explore outside of their main partnership with the consent of that partner.  

Before we move forward, it may be helpful to set some definitions. There are a lot of ways that people who practice ethical (or sometimes referred to as consensual) non-monogamy identify. If we consider ethical or consensual non-monogamy to be a big umbrella, here are some other terms and practices that fall underneath that umbrella.

Polyamory 

Generally defined as “many loves,” polyamory usually applies to people seeking out multiple intimate relationships that may include sex, love, family building, community, and more.

Hierarchical Polyam

This generally involves a couple who have established a “nested” or comingled relationship in terms of housing and finances, etc., and also engage in other intimate partnerships that are less nested in structure.

Relationship Anarchy 

This relationship often eschews hierarchical conventions and seeks to maintain multiple relationships at whatever level they organically fit in a person’s life—whether that’s friendship, sexual, emotionally intimate, etc.

Solo Polyam 

Often, someone who identifies as solo polyam will engage in relationships but consider their own self to be their primary or nested partner. 

Swinging 

Swinging is a specific subset of a sexual play lifestyle wherein couples, most often heterosexual couples, explore sexual experiences with others—but consider themselves the only ones in the intimate partnership.

Open relationship

This is another umbrella term similar to ENM, and can encompass any of the above, along with many other types of relationship structures as defined by the individuals in them.

The challenges of ethical non-monogamy in therapy

In my experience, clinicians often find the bulk of their experience with non-monogamy to be negative or damaging. As you read these definitions, I invite you to consider whether you feel a sense of discomfort.

If you find yourself to be uncomfortable with—or even judgmental of—ENM practice, that’s okay! We’re often uncomfortable when we encounter ideas or terms we don’t have a lot of familiarity with—and no doubt you’ve spent some time with couples undoing the damage of affairs, too.

As a result, we may feel underprepared and a bit off-step if someone tells us they’re openly ethically non-monogamous. I encourage you to sit with those feelings of judgment and uncertainty if they arise. As clinicians, we all come with built-in biases, confusion, and stressors. My hope is as you sit with your feelings of discomfort, you’re able to explore where that comes from in you. Our world is diverse, full of so many different people and different things that bring them joy and contentment. ENM is one of those things for some people. 

When clinicians bring judgment and shame into the session from their own bias or sense of moral correctness, we can do harm to the client in front of us.  Challenge your own assumptions, and see out further education if you need to. In turn, this will help you offer your clients a safe space through unconditional positive regard. 

Dos and don’ts of therapy with ethically non-monogamous clients

Clients who are open about being ethically non-monogamous are ones that feel safe to do so in session. That begins with making your office open and accepting even before they walk through the door. These folks may be in your office to explore feelings around ENM such as jealousy, fear, uncertainty, and conflict. But they may just as easily be there to explore their job stress, their parenting, the loss of a loved one, or a diagnosis of depression.

The best strategies for counseling folks in ethically non-monogamous arrangements are the same strategies you’d use with any client.

Here’s some basic don’ts and dos:

Don’t assume

Don’t assume emotional experience, relationship configuration, sexual preferences, or frequency. Don’t even assume they want to talk about their relationships. Instead, allow the client to lead and be open to where they lead the conversation. 

Don’t pathologize

Long ago I had a client report that another clinician had called her a “nymphomaniac” because she had two long term partners—but the client hadn’t even had sex in six months. Also, there’s no such thing as nymphomania. Don’t be this clinician.

Don’t be afraid to say you don’t understand or know about something

Clients may use terms like compersion (the happy feeling we get when a partner is happy with another partner). If you don’t know the term or are uncertain, ask!

Clients don’t expect you to know everything. But, with that being said…

Don’t expect clients to educate you

If your lack of understanding is more than just a term or basic query, do some of your own education and research.

The book Love In Abundance: A Counselor’s Advice on Open Relationships by Kathy Labriola is a great place to start.

You can also seek out supervision or consultation from a colleague who has more experience in the area so that you can be better prepared to support these clients in your practice. 

Do create a safe space

One easy way to do this is to use welcoming language on your website and in your paperwork.

Use terms like partner(s) instead of spouse or husband and wife.

Use blank lines instead of checkboxes, so you can leave room for people to write in whatever they need about their relationships and household.

Put ethical non-monogamy books on your shelf and enough chairs in your waiting room to accommodate whomever comes in, and remember that intimate relationship therapy can include more than two people.

Do be aware of some issues that are common to the experience of ENM

Things like jealousy, envy, inadequacy, fears of abandonment, time and scheduling struggles, uncertainty, and more do exist in ENM relationships just like they do in monogamous ones.

Part of educating yourself about ethical non-monogamy will be familiarizing yourself with some of these common concerns, so you aren’t caught off-guard if and when they come up. 

Do be aware of common issues outside of therapy

ENM clients may have concerns like marginalization, discrimination, biases in medicine and mental health, challenges in education and work, and more.

Clients may be more likely to face legal battles and discriminatory systemic practices as well as personal rejection, family conflict, and ostracization due to their relationship style.

Do know that breach of trust is possible

Affairs and cheating can still occur in ethical non-monogamy.

If a partner goes outside of the relationship agreement, the loss of trust and emotional fallout is the same no matter the relationship configuration. 

Do take clients at their word

Trust your clients to be the experts of their own experiences. Stay behind them, let them lead, and let them tell you what they need. Stay curious, stay open, stay engaged.

In all, working with clients who identify as in ethically non-monogamous relationships is mostly like working with any other client. While special considerations do exist, those considerations are for the safety and well being of the client rather than any special or specific issue to look for.

Much like when we work with any marginalized group, it’s important for us as clinicians to be aware of our biases, communication style, understanding, and emotional reactions.

This will guide us to be better clinicians for everyone who walks through our doors.  

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