Sex Therapy Exercises

Sex therapy exercises and sex-positive practices are an important component of sex-positive therapy. 

For individuals and couples experiencing sexual challenges, sex therapy exercises can be hugely beneficial to enhancing intimacy and satisfaction. 

Read on for a list of exercises.

What is sex-positive therapy?

First, what is sex-positive therapy? Who is it for? 

Sex is an area where individuals and couples may encounter challenges, whether as a result of trauma, physical limitations, or challenges connecting sexually with themselves or with their partners. 

When it comes to defining sex-positive therapy, you can find what you need to know directly in the title. “Sex-positive therapy is pretty much what you see on the tin: therapy that is sex-positive,” says Gigi Engle, a certified sex and relationship psychotherapist and resident intimacy expert at sex positive dating app 3Fun. “It’s a place where clients/patients can come to discuss issues surrounding sexuality.”

To get more specific: “Sex therapy is talk-based therapy where clients come with issues around sexuality such as sexual trauma, low desire, pain during sex, erectile difficulties, delayed ejaculation, poor body image, vaginismus, and more,” says Engle. “Clients may also come without a specific issue but want to work on feeling more secure and grounded in their sexuality.”

There are a number of different frameworks for sex therapy, including:

Individual and self-centric

Some people seek out sex therapy as a way to better understand and heal their sexuality strictly for themselves—without a partner included.

Individual and partner-centric

Other individuals seek out sex therapy because they want to connect more deeply with their partners—but know there are sexual issues that are preventing them from doing so. As such, they may seek out sex therapy to help them deal with those issues—and build a stronger sexual connection with their partner(s) in the process.

Couples

For couples, working with a sex-positive couples therapist can be a supportive way to either address existing sexual issues in their relationship—or, if they’re not experiencing any serious issues, to get the sex-positive education they need to upgrade their sex life from “good” to “great.”

Alternate lifestyles 

Part of the sex-positive movement is embracing alternative approaches to sexuality, including open relationships and polyamory—and for many people in these types of relationship structures, working with an alternative lifestyle therapist with a no-judgment approach to therapy is an absolute must.

Sex-positive therapy often consists of in-person sessions and sex therapy exercises clients can do, both in and out of the session, to support their treatment.

List of sex therapy exercises

So, what are those treatment-supporting sex therapy exercises?

It depends.

Like any type of treatment, in order to provide clients the best support, therapists tailor their approach to the client’s individual needs. 

“Sex therapy doesn’t come with a bunch of one-size-fits-all exercises,” says Engle.

That being said, there are some common sex therapy exercises therapists may assign that can be helpful and applicable to a wide range of clients. 

Some of these sex therapy exercises include:

Education

Many people have never received proper sex education—and that lack of education can cause sexual challenges later in life. 

As such, many therapists aim to educate their clients on sex—and may assign out-of-session education-based assignments to further that education. 

For example, therapists may ask clients to read books like Emily Nagoski’s Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life or She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, by Ian Kerner, both of which explore female desire, sexuality, and orgasm.

Listing what the client is—and isn’t—interested in sexually

Different people find different things arousing—and when a person doesn’t understand their partner’s preferred sex-positive practices, it can lead to a sexual disconnect. That’s why one of the more popular sex therapy exercises is to have couples each list what they are—and what they are not—interested in sexually. 

Then, the couples can compare lists in therapy, allowing them to define where their sexual preferences overlap, which can help them determine what kind of sex would be pleasurable for them both. In addition, it also loops each person in on the things their partner does not want to explore sexually, which can help establish boundaries in the bedroom.

Connection practices 

It can be hard for couples to connect sexually when they’re not connecting in other areas in their life. 

During sessions, therapists may help clients brainstorm ways they can connect outside of the bedroom (for example, trying a new activity together)—and then ask them to start engaging in those activities as a way to foster more connection.

Non-sexual touch

Another exercise a therapist might suggest to a client is to engage in non-sexual touch—for example, massage, holding hands, or lying in bed hugging. 

This can be helpful for people who struggle with physical intimacy, as it allows them to become more comfortable receiving touch—without the pressure of that touch leading to sex.

Making the bedroom a ‘sex and sleep only’ zone

People use their bedrooms for all sorts of activities. For example, they may watch TV in bed, scroll through social media, or may even use their bedroom as an office. 

Alas, for many people, doing stressful things in the bedroom can create negative associations that make it hard to relax—which, in turn, can make it harder to get in the mood for sex. 

To counteract this, many therapists suggest declaring the bedroom a “sex and sleep only” zone—and taking other activities, like work, tv, or screen time, into another room.

Finding a sex-positive couples therapist

As a client, if you’re looking for a therapist offering sex-positive therapy—for both individuals and couples—there are a few places you can look.

“If you’re US-based, check out the AASECT registry, [which stands for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists]” says Engle. “This is where you’ll find certified sex therapists.”

You could also do a search on Psychology Today or the Monarch Directory to find therapists that specialize in sex therapy.

“If you’re UK-based, check out the COSRT registry [which stands for the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists],” says Engle. “Each therapist has a profile that explains what they specialize in so you can find one that suits your needs.”

If you’re a therapist looking to refer clients (or find a sex therapist for yourself!), you can use these same directories—or you could tap into your network of therapists and mental health practitioners to see if your colleagues have any specific recommendations. 

And, if you’re a sex therapist that wants to make sure the right clients find you, make sure to have active profiles in these directories that outline the services you offer—and also make sure to highlight your sex positive approach to therapy on your own website.

Avoid sex therapists with a shame-based approach

One thing to watch out for—whether you’re looking for a therapist yourself to refer a client—is practitioners that take a shamed-based approach to sex therapy. In order to be effective, therapy should be sex-positive and nonjudgmental.

While there’s no way to tell with one-hundred percent certainty whether a therapist who offers sex-related counseling is sex positive, there can be signs in the way that they market themselves and their practice—and the language they use when talking about sex. 

For example, according to Engle “stay away from any therapist who markets themselves as a ‘sex addiction’ therapist. Sex addiction treatment is very shame-based, and sex addiction itself is not a recognized diagnosis by WHO [World Health Organization], ASSECT, or COSRT.”

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