4 Signs of a Lasting Relationship

There are certain signs that indicate which relationships last. These markers can help steer the course of romantic relationships in the right direction. 

Successful relationships tend to exhibit reciprocal kindness, consideration, care, and respect, but beyond these basic tenets, what makes relationships last long-term?  

In this article, we share insights from relationship experts on signs that show a relationship has potential to go the distance. 

How long do most relationships last?

Duration of relationships vary—with age being a major determinant. 

The duration and commitment of adolescent romantic relationships is much lower than that of their adult counterparts. According to research from 2022 on relationships in the United States, only 30% to 38% of adolescents reported being in a relationship. Furthermore, the nature of those relationships are much more fluid—often cyclical in nature, short lived, or ambiguously defined.  

Conversely, by age 29, only 32% of adults reported being single (not dating anyone)—and by age 30, 62% of adults had cohabitated with a partner. 

In one study of partnered young adult women, ages 18 to 23, researchers found the average duration of their relationships to be 17.2 months. Another study involving 267 couples between the ages of 18 and 25 found the average length of a romantic relationship to be about two years. 

A client’s age and the length of time they are in a relationship will affect the relationship’s development and quality. 

Long-term adolescent relationships had high levels of support, but as you might expect, more turbulence in the form of jealousy and negative interactions. With age, long-term relationships continued to have high levels of support, but lower levels of negative interactions.

Other than age, here are the four signs that indicate a relationship is on the road to long-term togetherness:

1. Mutual trust and time

The American Psychological Association (APA) Dictionary of Psychology defines trust as “reliance on or confidence in the dependability of someone or something.” 

Therefore, a strong partnership that has mutual trust requires both partners to be consistently there for each other and follow through with what they say they will do. To identify if a relationship is based on trust, you can ask your clients: “Is your partner there for you when you need them to be?”

A 2019 Pew Research survey compared trust levels between married couples and unmarried cohabitating partners. 

Researchers found that married adults had higher levels of satisfaction and trust than their cohabitating peers. In addition, 84% of married couples believe their partner is faithful, compared to 72% of cohabitating partners, and 74% of married couples believe their partners act in their best interest, compared to 52% of unmarried partners who live together. 

Even after controlling for age, race, gender, religious affiliation, and educational level, married partners still showed higher levels of satisfaction and trust in their relationships than their unmarried cohabitating counterparts. 

These married couples were also more likely than those living with a partner to report satisfaction with their partner’s work-life balance and division of household chores. This indicates that married couples were more likely to trust their partner to act in a way that is reliable and considerate of their relationship. 

Additionally, there is a precipitous drop in the likelihood of a break-up among couples who have been together for over 20 years—regardless of sexuality and marital status. According to a longitudinal study reported by the Washington Post and conducted by sociologist Michael Rosenfeld, PhD, both married and unmarried couples tend to have less than a 10% chance of getting divorced by their 20 year anniversary. 

2. Communication and conflict management

Communicating well and productively navigating conflict is also integral to maintaining a long-lasting union. 

No one wants to be doomed to arguing all the time. However, avoiding confrontation altogether can further exacerbate issues in a relationship. Disagreements can be healthy.

As a therapist, examining a couple’s conflict management style can give you great insight into the existing health of the relationship, how you can help them, or how likely the relationship is to last (without intervention). 

In a study of 52 couples, John Gottman, PhD, the nation’s foremost expert on marriage, predicted which couples would divorce with 93.6% accuracy. He initially interviewed the couples in 1992 and followed up with them several times over the course of nine years. He identified negative communication patterns as the main predictor for longevity in a relationship. 

Gottman found that relationships didn’t last when they exhibited “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:” criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Issue: Criticism involves ‘you’ put-downs

Solution: Use ‘I’ statements about what you feel, why you feel this way, and what you need

Issue: Contempt involves rolling your eyes and seeming disgusted

Solution: Express your feelings and what you need

Issue: Defensiveness is lashing out or blaming the other for the problem

Solution: Agree to act and perform the task next time

Issue: Stonewalling is shutting down or ignoring someone due to flooding or anxiety

Solution: Breathe deeply, take a break, or make a joke to break tension

Gottman determined that stable and happily married couples exhibit five or more positive interactions for every negative one. 

He called this the “magic relationship ratio.” Successful couples begin debates gently, use affection and humor, appreciate each other, show empathy, and find areas to agree upon, even during uncomfortable conflicts.

Since Gottman’s initial study, he’s reproduced similar results with other couples, and influenced the work of other behavioral scientists who further validated his predictors of successful relationships. 

3. Closeness and intimacy

Many people in successful relationships describe their partner as their best friend. Friendship makes a good foundation. It’s common to get to know someone first as a colleague or platonic friend before progressing into a romantic relationship.

Research suggests that couples who value the friendship aspect within their romantic relationship maintain strong bonds. Findings showed that an emphasis on friendship strongly predicted partners who were emotionally supportive, affectionate, more committed to the relationship, and more sexually gratified.

Liking a partner, as well as loving them, is part of the glue that keeps marriages and long-term relationships alive. Being affectionate, physically close, and sexually active enhances intimacy.

According to Georgia-based therapist Ellen Biros, MS, LCSW, sexual intimacy can be affected by being in “an emotionally invalidating or unsafe relationship, stress or mental or physical health issues.” 

Biros reminds us that intimacy doesn’t begin and end with sex, “pay attention to how you’re showing love and affection to your partner outside of the bedroom. Holding hands, communicating (without technology, TV, or other distractions), and expressing your love for your partner can develop intimacy, which then translates into the bedroom.”

Sexual intimacy is also great for mental health. Intimate sex reduces stress and anxiety and increases serotonin, which can boost a person’s mood and ramp up endorphins.

4. Gratitude and appreciation

Showing gratitude and appreciation can facilitate mutual satisfaction in a relationship.

Gauge the level of gratitude your couple clients’ have for each other by asking them the following questions: If your partner drops off your dinner when you’re working late, do you show appreciation? Do you take their little acts of kindness for granted?

According to Harvard Health, gratitude is strongly associated with greater happiness. The benefits of being appreciative extend further than that. Positive psychology reveals that gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, improves their health and well-being, enables them to better cope with adversity, and actually helps them build strong relationships. 

When people feel appreciated by their partner, they also report feeling increased appreciation for their partner. They become more responsive to their loved one’s needs, more committed, and more likely to stay in the relationship over time. 

Expressing gratitude can change a person’s mindset. Focusing on what their partner did right, rather than wrong. Remind your clients to express gratitude not only for their partner’s actions, but for their character and for just being themselves.

Signs that partners may need therapy or couples counseling

In any given romantic relationship, there are bumps in the road. Couples often argue about big-picture things like financial issues, parenting, work/life balance, and more. 

Some reasons that couple may have conflicts within their relationships include: 

• Lack of trust
• Infidelity
• Long distances or too much time apart
• Problems in communication and effective listening
• One person being fearful or having low self-esteem
• Fights increasing in frequency
• Decrease of physical intimacy
• Setbacks in employment or recent illness
• Drinking or drug usage
• Feeling unappreciated or unloved 

Whether your client’s relationship is pretty good or far from it (unhealthy relationships might include neglect, abuse, and controlling or aberrant behavior), guidance to spot the green flags and indicators of a healthy relationship can help them. 

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