How to Support Clients Becoming New Parents

The transition to parenthood is almost universally billed as a blissful period, filled with soft lighting and quiet bonding.

And, while it is true there can be joy much of the time, as practitioners we can unwittingly cause harm by minimizing or not acknowledging the normal challenges new parents go through as well as the mental health concerns that can arise during the postpartum period. 

Approximately 20% of new mothers (and 10% of new fathers) experience some sort of mental health concern in the postpartum period—and the other 80% will experience all the typical messiness of parenting.

My hope is to move beyond sentiments like “Of course you’re tired. But it gets better.” As a practitioner, I find this actually minimizes the experience of new parents, and isn’t as helpful as people often intend it to be.

One of the goals of my work is to share ways we can truly provide the care and support that new parents so desperately need. 

As a perinatal specialist and marriage and family therapist, I work with parents-to-be as they navigate the challenges of pregnancy, postpartum, infertility, loss, and new parenthood. I believe that those of us in the wellness space hold a special responsibility toward these parents, and in my work, I’ve uncovered some simple techniques to help new parents feel held and heard.

Luckily, a clinician doesn’t need to be a perinatal specialist to help a client navigate new parenthood. A simple willingness to learn and let the client tell us of their own unique experience is a great place to start. 

Here are some thoughts on how we can better support new parents.

Building a Foundation of Trust

Like so many things, it all begins with trust. This is an essential component for all therapeutic relationships, but I’ve found it to be absolutely essential for working with new parents in the postpartum period, due to the fear parents have of losing custody of their children because of their mental health concerns. 

As clinicians, building that foundation of trust means having conversations about limits of confidentiality, as well as displaying our knowledge about the realities of the postpartum period.

We should also aim to avoid any minimizing of the parent’s experience (which might look like statements like “You should be enjoying this time!”). Ultimately, that also means we need to  release  our own expectations of what this period “should be.”

All new parents who walk in your door bear the weight of the unrealistic expectations the world has of parents. It’s essential to remember that they all bring their past, their expectations (realistic or not), their mental health histories, and the burden of the expectations of others with them. It’s a heavy load to carry.

Establishing Realistic Self-Care

Once we’ve established a layer of trust and the client knows I’m not there to judge them, I begin to evaluate and work on improving their self-care. This is often the first thing out the door when we become new parents.

When we think of self-care, we often think of things like time alone, pursuing a hobby, taking time off, or indulging in a spa day—all things that usually feel wildly out of reach for new parents. So what does realistic self-care look like in the postpartum period?

It looks like helping clients give themselves permission to build up villages of authentic and trustworthy support systems, and then actually use them without guilt.

Whether a support system is made up of partners, parents and other family members, friends, or professional childcare, it’s helpful to let clients know there’s no shame in leaning on those teams.

We can also work with clients to help them set realistic expectations for themselves, others, and their babies.

Realistic self-care also looks like taking a nap instead of cleaning the house, or not feeling the need to clean up before people visit. It looks like acknowledging that babies cry, and it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. I also have seen that basic self-care, like food, water, sleep, and movement get pushed to the side often.

Check in with your clients. Ask them these questions: Are you eating enough? Drinking enough water? Sleeping enough?

In my experience, the answer to these questions is that they are probably not. 

I’ve consistently seen these small changes can shift the course from a mental health catastrophe to a return to the normal challenges of new parenthood.

Oftentimes new parents need the permission to do these things for themselves and the reassurance that it will make them better parents—not bad ones.

Starting with self-care also gives us clinicians valuable information.

If the client improves with increased self-care, great! If not, then more intensive steps need to be taken, as this indicates a more severe mental health concern. I always start with the Edinburgh Perinatal Depression Screening. This simple tool is easy to administer, and can identify both symptoms of perinatal depression and perinatal anxiety.

Normalizing New Parents’ Experience

After helping clients find a realistic self-care plan, the next is to let new parents know what actually is normal.

Not knowing what to do as a new parent? Normal.

Fantasizing about returning to your pre-baby life and questioning your decision to become a parent? Normal.

Not enjoying parenting as much as you thought you would? Normal.

Riding the gentle up and down hormonal waves of postpartum for up to two weeks after birth? Normal, but beyond two weeks warrants further evaluation.

Struggling with changes to your body? Normal. 

I’ve seen that by simply releasing the pressure of these expectations, my clients’ shoulders drop and women and families feel reassured. But this process can be slippery, as we want to make sure that we’re normalizing their experience without minimizing it! This requires educating ourselves on the difference between normal challenge and need for support vs. a more significant mental health concern. 

Signs that a client requires more intensive mental health support include:

• Inability to sleep when given the time and space
• Obsessive fear and anxiety (often about their baby)
• Persistent sadness or tearfulness
• Anger that’s difficult to control
• Thoughts of suicide or self-harm
• Thoughts of harming their baby
• Reported or observed disconnection from reality
• Persistent difficulty connecting with their baby
• Sudden changes in personality

For more in-depth information about supporting those in the perinatal period, I recommend the Perinatal Support International website.  

Overall, the transition to parenthood can indeed be joyful—once we strip it of the heavy expectations and provide strong support for the parents and the family as a whole.

We know that our children need a village to grow and thrive. It’s important for us to remember that parents do too. 

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